Meredith: "Yesterday at that baby shower, I was jealous of Callie because she got pregnant without trying. And we tried. I get shots, I take my temperature, I put my legs in the air, and nothing. The universe says screw you Meredith and gives Callie a kid...."
Nikia: "At the hospital, at the shower, at school, at the store, (anywhere) I was jealous of (insert one of many names here) because she got pregnant without trying. And we try, we try over, and over, and over. I take 5 to 7 pills a day, I give myself shots in the stomach, I take my temperature, I count days, I put my legs in the air, and nothing...."
Why didn't anybody warn me about last weeks episode of Grey's? I was two episodes behind so I watched them both, on the couch, Saturday afternoon. E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L!! I have felt exactly like Meredith 'felt' standing in that elevator with her husband. (Sorry to anyone who doesn't watch the show and doesn't understand what I am talking about.) I felt sad, and yet happy at the same time. I know it is just a TV show, but I was happy that they described the feelings so dead on, and then I was sad that I am the one who has experienced those feelings first hand. Over the past 5 years I have felt ecstatic, happy, sad, depressed, jealous, angry, hurt, maternal, hopeful, ashamed, betrayed, confused, envious, frightened, and overwhelmed. It has been a very trying season in my life.
I went to a woman's conference last weekend with my sister-in-law and my mom. It was about women who rush through seasons in their life without learning the lessons, and gaining the tools that God would have them learn during that season. It did help me to appreciate that I can do pretty much what I want, when I want right now. I was able to make a list of things I have learned in this season. But the funny thing is, I feel like I have learned all I need to learn. lol! God is obviously keeping me from having a child of my own for a reason. I understand that. However, that is SCARY! I understand that I should have faith, and trust in Him, but some of the possible reasons He could be keeping us from having a child are scary. Maybe we are not going to be together forever. Maybe something is going to happen to one of us.
I guess the slew of emotions I felt after watching Grey's had an effect on me. I woke up this morning at 4am from a really bad dream. In the dream my husband was leaving me because I was unable to have a child. I woke up and tried not to cry but I couldn't hold the tears back. I went into our closet, got on my knees and just cried. I tried to pray but there were no words....nothing would come out. I cried almost uncontrollably. I tried to gain my composure because I didn't want to wake Greg up. It took about 35 minutes. The crying finally stopped and I was able to get back in bed just before 5am.
Some days I don't know what to feel or think. Just when I feel 'ok' with my situation, and I let go, Something happens that puts my emotional roller coaster back on it's track.
