Plan B

I am reading a book called 'Plan B' (Bentley thinks he is too) about the things that happen in life that cause a person to feel like their life dreams are all falling apart. I feel like that person to a degree. I am so blessed with so many things and I have gotten the chance to experience things that many don't in their lifetime. However, the one thing I want, more than anything else, has not yet been given to me. Because of this, I have gone through many up and down battles with my faith. I love and believe in Him, but I also find myself questioning what His plans are for me. I know that is not right, but that is what happens.

I wonder why things have happened the way they have. I wonder why people, even undeserving people (in my eyes, not His) have been given the gift that I want and deserve (in my eyes). Why I am having to deal with such emotional pain in my life for something that happens so easily for others? What am I being punished for? What am I being groomed for? Is something bad going happen to me or my husband and that is why? Can you honestly imagine dealing with these questions in you head on a day to day basis? I never in my wildest dreams, or nightmares thought I would have to.

I hope to learn something from this book that will help me understand, appreciate, and love Him more. I hope to read something that will help increase my faith, and my desire to build a stronger relationship with him.

PS
Thank you to friends like Kelsey who pray for me and encourage me to stay strong. Love you Kels.

Christmas Time is Here

Well, moms in the kitchen, I'm on the couch with the pups and Grandma. Greg is fixing moms computer. The kids are in EPT 800 miles away. Jay is waiting for Loraine to get home from work. I am happy and sad all at the same time. I can't help but be happy during this time of year yet I feel empty too.

This is the first Christmas that my dad is not alive. I most likely wouldn't have seen him, but I most certainly would have talked to him. I know he's in a better place but I just wish we would could talk. (Merry Christmas dad, I love you)

On another note, the holidays are no fun without kids. I feel like I have said that before. Oh, I did, on Thanksgiving. It's sad because every year I pray, dream, and wish for a child that God has not YET given me. I wonder what his plans are, although they are not for me to know. I hope that one day soon I will be blessed with the one gift that is more priceless than any other.

Merry Christmas to all!

* Can't wait to open up all the gifts!!

Good news....I guess

Well, I did not lose anything. I was just the lucky recipient of two menstrual cycles in one month. Yay me!! :/

Things could always be worse, right? 

Although holidays aren't the same without children, for now, I will praise God and be thankful for the family I do have and enjoy them this Christmas season.

God bless you and your family this Christmas. If you have children of your own, be grateful.

Why me?

If children are a gift from God, what is it called when He doesn't give you one?

I titled this entry "why me" because that is how I feel on most days as far as having a child a is concerned. Why am I the only one, out of all my friends, who is having trouble having a child. Why do people who don't "seem" ready, capable, or old enough to have children have no problem getting pregnant?

There was a quote in the movie, 'My Sister's Keeper' that said the only people who plan on having babies are the ones who have trouble doing so. Well as I mentioned before, I am a planner. It has been very hard for me not to be able to stay on "my" life plan.

I started reading a book yesterday called 'Plan B'. It talks about a family who has been trying to have a baby for 4 years. It talks about how the pastor at their church prayed over them, continued to pray with them on a regular basis and still they were unable to have a baby. I too have been prayed over and prayed for. I felt like maybe I was being punished because even people who have been anointed and given gifts by God couldn't help us. What is a girl to think?

I know that plenty of people out there have had trouble having babies but it is hard not having one around to talk to. No one really knows how it feels. I have a great support team but they don't really know what to say when things happen.

Just yesterday I got a second menstrual cycle for the month of December. Obviously this is not normal. I have to go in to the doctor tomorrow for a blood test. He thinks A. I am prego, but there is a problem B. I was prego and had my fourth miscarriage or C. He has no clue, but will pretend he does, and will send me away with another pill to take daily. Did I mention that I already take Folic Acid pills three times a day, along with one baby aspirin, one pre-natal vitamin, and shots of Lovenox for 14 days out of the month? Good times! Expensive fun too!

Needless to say, it's going to be a long night wondering what's going on. :/