On Wednesday, February 16, 2011 I had a doctors appointment to have a sonogram done to see if my cyst was gone. I wasn't surprised when the nurse said indeed the cyst was gone. I was surprised however when she said, "You are about to ovulate any minute." I didn't know you could tell something like that from a sonogram but boy was I excited to hear it. It was really good news. I felt like a breath of fresh air filled the room. She sent mom and I back out to the lobby and told us to wait for my doctor to call us back in.
When my doctor entered the room he did what he always does. He greeted mom and I with a handshake, hello, and sincere smile. He too was excited about what the sonogram showed. He said the sonogram showed an egg ready to drop from my right ovary. He then proceeded to say that he would like to give me an HCG shot. He explained that this would produce another egg doubling our chances. He asked my 3 times if I would be OK with "TWINS".....ugh, let me think......YES!! I got the HCG shot which guaranteed I would produce another egg in about 30 hours. So hubby and I had specific directions on when we should "do our homework" :) Friday, when we did our "homework" we found out there was a full moon. We also found out that if we did indeed conceive that night, our baby would be due on 11-11-11 - WOW! I could only imagine.
The Doctor also wanted to cover the possibility of my levels dropping like they have done in the past so he put me on prometruim with my lovenox shots. I started pills and shots in the stomach yesterday. (2-21-11) Best part of that is the shots I use to have to pay hundreds of dollars for were now only 10 dollars!!! God must have his hand in this, right? The timing has never worked out like this, along with the price of all the medicine. There was no stress involved. Or should I say, no ADDED stress involved. You can't help but to wonder and worry a little bit, but overall I feel like I have done a pretty good job of keeping myself positive and calm.
In 12 or so days we will know if it all worked out or not. Of course I can't help but think about TWINS, but God knows that I will be perfectly happy and grateful with just one happy healthy baby. I contacted a few of you to pray for us during our 3 days of "homework" but our fight is not over yet. Please if you are reading this, pray for us. Not just now but anytime we might cross your mind. Even if there is a transformation taking place, right now, in my tummy, as I type this, it will not be the end of our battle.
Here's to hoping that it is actually our time.
PS I found out another friend is prego and she is due in September. I was so excited when she told me because that would make our kiddos two month apart..... PLAY DATES :)
My husband and I
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Depression
I thought long and hard about sharing this post. I wondered what people would think of me once they read it. Would they look at me differently? Would they understand? In the end, I decided to share what happened to me about half a year ago, after the third miscarriage, and after I loss my father.
I had really started feeling depressed. Although initially I didn't really know I was depressed. I remember watching TV one day and seeing one of those commercials about a medicine for depression and telling myself, "I don't feel that bad." Although I did have some of the symptoms. I thought because I had miscarried and my father had passed away it was just typical to feel the way I felt. (maybe it was) However, the feeling continued to get worse and worse. I didn't really tell anyone although I think my husband could tell that I was sad but he probably didn't think anything of it because I had reason to be.
One night it hit really hard. I don't remember the exact date, but I remember exactly how it felt. I was feeling extremely sad one night. I felt kinda achy and like I needed to cry. I decided to just go take a hot shower. This is where I do a lot of my crying. It's nice because my husband can't tell that I am crying and I can just let it all out. While in the shower I lost it. There really isn't another way to describe it. I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and then IT happened.
Like I said, before getting into the shower I had started to feel kinda achy. The way you feel when your coming down with the flu. Then I started having bad thoughts. Thoughts about hurting myself. Then the pain changed. It went from feeling like the flu to feeling like a heavy weight was placed on my back. It was so overwhelming and I didn't know what to do. I started crying even harder and the pain changed again. Now it felt as if someone, or something was on my back with arms around my neck trying to pull me down. Sound crazy? Well imagine how I felt. It was so scary that after a moment of paralysis I literally jumped out the shower, grabbed a towel, and called out to my husband. I don't think I gave him a chance to respond. I ran to him and was still crying and trying to explain to him how I felt. I think I said something like, "I feel something on me. I feel like someone is on me. Get it off, get it off." He hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying. After that didn't work he did the only other thing he knew to do. He prayed. I honestly don't remember what he said but I know it worked.
This is the second time in my life that I cried out and got an immediate response from God. Whatever had come over me that night was lifted after minutes of prayer. To this day, the bad thoughts and scary feelings have never returned. I still get sad, but not like I did that night.
I know it sounds weird but that is the only way I can really describe it. It literally felt like someone on me trying to take me down. Figuratively speaking depression was trying to take me down. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this, but I felt like I had to share because if anyone ever has felt this way, now they will know they are not alone.
I had really started feeling depressed. Although initially I didn't really know I was depressed. I remember watching TV one day and seeing one of those commercials about a medicine for depression and telling myself, "I don't feel that bad." Although I did have some of the symptoms. I thought because I had miscarried and my father had passed away it was just typical to feel the way I felt. (maybe it was) However, the feeling continued to get worse and worse. I didn't really tell anyone although I think my husband could tell that I was sad but he probably didn't think anything of it because I had reason to be.
One night it hit really hard. I don't remember the exact date, but I remember exactly how it felt. I was feeling extremely sad one night. I felt kinda achy and like I needed to cry. I decided to just go take a hot shower. This is where I do a lot of my crying. It's nice because my husband can't tell that I am crying and I can just let it all out. While in the shower I lost it. There really isn't another way to describe it. I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and then IT happened.
Like I said, before getting into the shower I had started to feel kinda achy. The way you feel when your coming down with the flu. Then I started having bad thoughts. Thoughts about hurting myself. Then the pain changed. It went from feeling like the flu to feeling like a heavy weight was placed on my back. It was so overwhelming and I didn't know what to do. I started crying even harder and the pain changed again. Now it felt as if someone, or something was on my back with arms around my neck trying to pull me down. Sound crazy? Well imagine how I felt. It was so scary that after a moment of paralysis I literally jumped out the shower, grabbed a towel, and called out to my husband. I don't think I gave him a chance to respond. I ran to him and was still crying and trying to explain to him how I felt. I think I said something like, "I feel something on me. I feel like someone is on me. Get it off, get it off." He hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying. After that didn't work he did the only other thing he knew to do. He prayed. I honestly don't remember what he said but I know it worked.
This is the second time in my life that I cried out and got an immediate response from God. Whatever had come over me that night was lifted after minutes of prayer. To this day, the bad thoughts and scary feelings have never returned. I still get sad, but not like I did that night.
I know it sounds weird but that is the only way I can really describe it. It literally felt like someone on me trying to take me down. Figuratively speaking depression was trying to take me down. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this, but I felt like I had to share because if anyone ever has felt this way, now they will know they are not alone.
I Can Only Imagine
Well, I think my cyst is gone. I went two weeks with out having a cycle! Yay! I am now on the new set of pills, Femara. I have not noticed any side effects. I was really worried because it was originally designed for Cancer patients. I assumed it was going to be really strong but its not.
I have had a few sad moments lately. I went over to my father-n-laws house for Super Bowl Sunday and it was hard being his only daughter-n-law with out a grand baby for him to hold. I was looking forward to being there and spending time with the Foster crew, especially the babies. But I never thought about how it was going to make me feel. It was kinda hard being there. My sister-n-laws are both young and very different. I saw how different their parenting styles were too. It is one of those things you wouldn't really notice when seeing them separately, but when you are all in the same room with both babies, it is very obvious. Not in a good or bad way, just simply an observation.
I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had my 'Payton' or my 'Matthew'. I want to name my son Matthew because it means gift from God and that is just what he will be. His middle name will be James, after my late father. We will call him 'Mattie' when he is little, or at least I will (Greg doesn't like that) but we can call him 'MJ' when he thinks he's too big to be called 'Mattie'. :)
Here's to hoping for a Payton and or a Matthew.
Tonight I sit and truly wonder what life would be like if I was a mom. I know what it feels like to hold and love on all my new nephews... It's amazing!! I just can't imagine what it feels like to have my own child. I love my nieces and my nephews a lot, and would do anything for them. But I dream of feeling what all other mothers feel. A LOVE unlike any other.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
I have had a few sad moments lately. I went over to my father-n-laws house for Super Bowl Sunday and it was hard being his only daughter-n-law with out a grand baby for him to hold. I was looking forward to being there and spending time with the Foster crew, especially the babies. But I never thought about how it was going to make me feel. It was kinda hard being there. My sister-n-laws are both young and very different. I saw how different their parenting styles were too. It is one of those things you wouldn't really notice when seeing them separately, but when you are all in the same room with both babies, it is very obvious. Not in a good or bad way, just simply an observation.
I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had my 'Payton' or my 'Matthew'. I want to name my son Matthew because it means gift from God and that is just what he will be. His middle name will be James, after my late father. We will call him 'Mattie' when he is little, or at least I will (Greg doesn't like that) but we can call him 'MJ' when he thinks he's too big to be called 'Mattie'. :)
Here's to hoping for a Payton and or a Matthew.
Tonight I sit and truly wonder what life would be like if I was a mom. I know what it feels like to hold and love on all my new nephews... It's amazing!! I just can't imagine what it feels like to have my own child. I love my nieces and my nephews a lot, and would do anything for them. But I dream of feeling what all other mothers feel. A LOVE unlike any other.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Snow Day!
It looks absolutely beautiful outside, but it feels frightful! The winds are so strong, and loud. I LOVE it!
We went and got movies and snacks and now we are curled up on the couch enjoying the day. However, while in the store, I had this overwhelming urge to be a mommy. It felt really weird and I felt so many different emotions. This has not happened to me in a long time. I think it was seeing all the kids at the store, buying snacks, and hot chocolate to go home and relax with their parents. I was wishing I had a 'baby Jach' or a 'big boy Luke' to cuddle with on this cold day. I asked my hubby if I could cuddle him on the couch but he just laughed and me and said, "you can't hold me like that!" lol I have settled for cuddling with my dogs. They are good at cuddling. :)
I have been doing really well lately. I started coaching girls basketball again and school has been really busy with middle of the year testing so I have not had a whole lot of time to think about the things that have made me feel so empty. I did however come to a realization a couple of days go that was odd. I used to picture my life with a child. Everything from being fat and pregnant, to registering at Baby's R Us with Greg. I even envisioned myself in the hospital and tried to imagine the pain I might be in followed by how amazing it would feel to hold my baby in my arms. Now, I can't see those things. I can say them and type them but I can no longer 'feel' them. It's sad, but maybe it is progress at the same time? I don't know it also sounds like a loss of hope. I still believe it will happen, but my focus and relentless desire has just changed a bit.
Not really sure what all these new emotions and feelings mean but as time goes on....we shall see.
We went and got movies and snacks and now we are curled up on the couch enjoying the day. However, while in the store, I had this overwhelming urge to be a mommy. It felt really weird and I felt so many different emotions. This has not happened to me in a long time. I think it was seeing all the kids at the store, buying snacks, and hot chocolate to go home and relax with their parents. I was wishing I had a 'baby Jach' or a 'big boy Luke' to cuddle with on this cold day. I asked my hubby if I could cuddle him on the couch but he just laughed and me and said, "you can't hold me like that!" lol I have settled for cuddling with my dogs. They are good at cuddling. :)
I have been doing really well lately. I started coaching girls basketball again and school has been really busy with middle of the year testing so I have not had a whole lot of time to think about the things that have made me feel so empty. I did however come to a realization a couple of days go that was odd. I used to picture my life with a child. Everything from being fat and pregnant, to registering at Baby's R Us with Greg. I even envisioned myself in the hospital and tried to imagine the pain I might be in followed by how amazing it would feel to hold my baby in my arms. Now, I can't see those things. I can say them and type them but I can no longer 'feel' them. It's sad, but maybe it is progress at the same time? I don't know it also sounds like a loss of hope. I still believe it will happen, but my focus and relentless desire has just changed a bit.
Not really sure what all these new emotions and feelings mean but as time goes on....we shall see.
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