Depression

I thought long and hard about sharing this post. I wondered what people would think of me once they read it. Would they look at me differently? Would they understand? In the end, I decided to share what happened to me about half a year ago, after the third miscarriage, and after I loss my father.

I had really started feeling depressed. Although initially I didn't really know I was depressed. I remember watching TV one day and seeing one of those commercials about a medicine for depression and telling myself, "I don't feel that bad." Although I did have some of the symptoms. I thought because I had miscarried and my father had passed away it was just typical to feel the way I felt. (maybe it was) However, the feeling continued to get worse and worse. I didn't really tell anyone although I think my husband could tell that I was sad but he probably didn't think anything of it because I had reason to be.

One night it hit really hard. I don't remember the exact date, but I remember exactly how it felt. I was feeling extremely sad one night. I felt kinda achy and like I needed to cry. I decided to just go take a hot shower. This is where I do a lot of my crying. It's nice because my husband can't tell that I am crying and I can just let it all out. While in the shower I lost it. There really isn't another way to describe it. I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and then IT happened.

Like I said, before getting into the shower I had started to feel kinda achy. The way you feel when your coming down with the flu. Then I started having bad thoughts. Thoughts about hurting myself. Then the pain changed. It went from feeling like the flu to feeling like a heavy weight was placed on my back. It was so overwhelming and I didn't know what to do. I started crying even harder and the pain changed again. Now it felt as if someone, or something was on my back with arms around my neck trying to pull me down. Sound crazy? Well imagine how I felt. It was so scary that after a moment of paralysis I literally jumped out the shower, grabbed a towel, and called out to my husband. I don't think I gave him a chance to respond. I ran to him and was still crying and trying to explain to him how I felt. I think I said something like, "I feel something on me. I feel like someone is on me. Get it off, get it off." He hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying. After that didn't work he did the only other thing he knew to do. He prayed. I honestly don't remember what he said but I know it worked.

This is the second time in my life that I cried out and got an immediate response from God. Whatever had come over me that night was lifted after minutes of prayer. To this day, the bad thoughts and scary feelings have never returned. I still get sad, but not like I did that night.

I know it sounds weird but that is the only way I can really describe it. It literally felt like someone on me trying to take me down. Figuratively speaking depression was trying to take me down. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this, but I felt like I had to share because if anyone ever has felt this way, now they will know they are not alone.