We went and got movies and snacks and now we are curled up on the couch enjoying the day. However, while in the store, I had this overwhelming urge to be a mommy. It felt really weird and I felt so many different emotions. This has not happened to me in a long time. I think it was seeing all the kids at the store, buying snacks, and hot chocolate to go home and relax with their parents. I was wishing I had a 'baby Jach' or a 'big boy Luke' to cuddle with on this cold day. I asked my hubby if I could cuddle him on the couch but he just laughed and me and said, "you can't hold me like that!" lol I have settled for cuddling with my dogs. They are good at cuddling. :)
I have been doing really well lately. I started coaching girls basketball again and school has been really busy with middle of the year testing so I have not had a whole lot of time to think about the things that have made me feel so empty. I did however come to a realization a couple of days go that was odd. I used to picture my life with a child. Everything from being fat and pregnant, to registering at Baby's R Us with Greg. I even envisioned myself in the hospital and tried to imagine the pain I might be in followed by how amazing it would feel to hold my baby in my arms. Now, I can't see those things. I can say them and type them but I can no longer 'feel' them. It's sad, but maybe it is progress at the same time? I don't know it also sounds like a loss of hope. I still believe it will happen, but my focus and relentless desire has just changed a bit.
Not really sure what all these new emotions and feelings mean but as time goes on....we shall see.
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