Plan B

I am reading a book called 'Plan B' (Bentley thinks he is too) about the things that happen in life that cause a person to feel like their life dreams are all falling apart. I feel like that person to a degree. I am so blessed with so many things and I have gotten the chance to experience things that many don't in their lifetime. However, the one thing I want, more than anything else, has not yet been given to me. Because of this, I have gone through many up and down battles with my faith. I love and believe in Him, but I also find myself questioning what His plans are for me. I know that is not right, but that is what happens.

I wonder why things have happened the way they have. I wonder why people, even undeserving people (in my eyes, not His) have been given the gift that I want and deserve (in my eyes). Why I am having to deal with such emotional pain in my life for something that happens so easily for others? What am I being punished for? What am I being groomed for? Is something bad going happen to me or my husband and that is why? Can you honestly imagine dealing with these questions in you head on a day to day basis? I never in my wildest dreams, or nightmares thought I would have to.

I hope to learn something from this book that will help me understand, appreciate, and love Him more. I hope to read something that will help increase my faith, and my desire to build a stronger relationship with him.

PS
Thank you to friends like Kelsey who pray for me and encourage me to stay strong. Love you Kels.

Christmas Time is Here

Well, moms in the kitchen, I'm on the couch with the pups and Grandma. Greg is fixing moms computer. The kids are in EPT 800 miles away. Jay is waiting for Loraine to get home from work. I am happy and sad all at the same time. I can't help but be happy during this time of year yet I feel empty too.

This is the first Christmas that my dad is not alive. I most likely wouldn't have seen him, but I most certainly would have talked to him. I know he's in a better place but I just wish we would could talk. (Merry Christmas dad, I love you)

On another note, the holidays are no fun without kids. I feel like I have said that before. Oh, I did, on Thanksgiving. It's sad because every year I pray, dream, and wish for a child that God has not YET given me. I wonder what his plans are, although they are not for me to know. I hope that one day soon I will be blessed with the one gift that is more priceless than any other.

Merry Christmas to all!

* Can't wait to open up all the gifts!!

Good news....I guess

Well, I did not lose anything. I was just the lucky recipient of two menstrual cycles in one month. Yay me!! :/

Things could always be worse, right? 

Although holidays aren't the same without children, for now, I will praise God and be thankful for the family I do have and enjoy them this Christmas season.

God bless you and your family this Christmas. If you have children of your own, be grateful.

Why me?

If children are a gift from God, what is it called when He doesn't give you one?

I titled this entry "why me" because that is how I feel on most days as far as having a child a is concerned. Why am I the only one, out of all my friends, who is having trouble having a child. Why do people who don't "seem" ready, capable, or old enough to have children have no problem getting pregnant?

There was a quote in the movie, 'My Sister's Keeper' that said the only people who plan on having babies are the ones who have trouble doing so. Well as I mentioned before, I am a planner. It has been very hard for me not to be able to stay on "my" life plan.

I started reading a book yesterday called 'Plan B'. It talks about a family who has been trying to have a baby for 4 years. It talks about how the pastor at their church prayed over them, continued to pray with them on a regular basis and still they were unable to have a baby. I too have been prayed over and prayed for. I felt like maybe I was being punished because even people who have been anointed and given gifts by God couldn't help us. What is a girl to think?

I know that plenty of people out there have had trouble having babies but it is hard not having one around to talk to. No one really knows how it feels. I have a great support team but they don't really know what to say when things happen.

Just yesterday I got a second menstrual cycle for the month of December. Obviously this is not normal. I have to go in to the doctor tomorrow for a blood test. He thinks A. I am prego, but there is a problem B. I was prego and had my fourth miscarriage or C. He has no clue, but will pretend he does, and will send me away with another pill to take daily. Did I mention that I already take Folic Acid pills three times a day, along with one baby aspirin, one pre-natal vitamin, and shots of Lovenox for 14 days out of the month? Good times! Expensive fun too!

Needless to say, it's going to be a long night wondering what's going on. :/

Payton

Many years ago I taught pre-school in Coppell at a place called Smart Start. I had a beautiful, blue eyed, smart little girl named "Payton" in my class. She was very special to me and after having her in my life for 3 years I decided to name my child after her. My husband chose this same name but for very different reasons. He was a big One Tree Hill fan and he loved the relationship "Payton" had with her dad on the show.

I decided to write a book called "Paytonisms" because "Payton" in my class always said the cutest, smartest, funniest, and most clever phrases. I started writing them all down but never....I mean, have not YET written the book.  

Anyway, since then a couple of things have happened. I told a friend over lunch that I wanted to name my daughter "Payton".  This friend and I were both pregnant at the time, for the second time. We both lost our first babies to very early miscarriages. Well to make a long story short, she went on to carry her second baby to term. I on the other hand had another miscarriage. My friend named her baby "Peyton" with an "E" instead of an "A". Well to be honest, the baby has a different first name, but they call her "Peyton". Most people don't even know her real name.

I was, and still am, upset about the whole thing. NOT because of the name alone, but because when I called her out on it, she told me that she totally forgot I told her that is what I wanted to name my child. After asking several people if I was over reacting they reassured me that I was not. They all agreed that it was distasteful to take the name a friend was planning on using. ESPECIALLY when that friend suffers another miscarriage and they don't.

So the start of this school year came and I was checking my class roster and what do you know, another "Payton". This one didn't start out as sweet and smart as the last one. She was very sassy! However, We developed a relationship very quickly. She started learning new things, learning to read, and she really took to me. She also gave me more material for my book. :)

To my surprise, I found out today that she is moving and will have to change schools after the Christmas break. I'm heart broken!! God knows best. I am sure he has big plans for "Payton's" future and I pray her new school is just the first step in the right direction for her.

I now have doubts about naming my child "Payton". Mostly because my 'friend' named her daughter "Peyton" and it just feels weird now. However, I will worry about that when the time comes. As of this morning, when I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, God does not yet feel that the time is right for me.

I'll keep waiting.

~ The Game Plan - a movie with the Rock, also has a very cute 'Payton' in the movie and it is one of my favs. One I will own, if I indeed have a daughter name 'Payton'.

Thanksgiving

The holidays are hard for me. I think they are boring because we don't have little kids around. My brothers kids are all grown up and it hurts me to the core that my kids won't have their cousins to grow up with. (at least not on my side of the family.) However, I am VERY thankful! I had an amazing Thanksgiving with my family. We spent the whole day at the Death Star...aka Jerry's World...aka Cowboy stadium. Even though they lost, they fought hard, came back, and showed they are a good team. Hold onto the ball Roy!!

I am very Thankful for the sweet lady that gave us free passes into the tunnel where I stood 3 feet away from Reggie Bush <3 and the other Saints players. My fabulous husband and brother got to be in the Cowboy tunnel and right behind the Cowboys bench where they got amazing pictures.

Thanks to my mom, (the story of my life) who put the whole thing together. Tickets to the game, the food, the schedule, and even cleaning and packing each person left overs. She is the best!!

Jordan, my nephew who is now in high school.....that still blows my mind, and I showed up to Old Navy at midnight.....not a good idea. We never made it inside. Too many people! Those who know me know that I hate to shop. I know, not your typical female. I like to go in, grab, and get out!! To my surprise this morning at 7am when I tried to shop online for my husband's Christmas gifts the site was down. So being the GREAT wife that I am I hopped in the car and headed to Express Men and got all I wanted to get online and a little bit more. I also got gifts my for my mom and 1 or 2 things for myself. :)

All in all I have had a great week off! Already dreading going back on Monday, BUT grateful for my job! Also grateful that in 3 more weeks, I will be off again.

New Beginnings

Not really sure how long this blog thing is going to last, but here goes nothing!


I am a 30 year old female who is not totally happy with my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but that doesn't mean life is what I thought it would be. What I thought it should be. I am a planner. I always have a plan. I have been that way since I can remember. I use to plan my clothes for the week as far back as Kindergarten. My BBFF, joo joo, has made fun of the fact that I would lay out my clothes the night before school and match everything from my panties to my socks.


My plan was to graduate high school, go to college, get married, become a child psychologist, have kids, become a stay at home mommy, be the best mom in the world, get my 3 -5 kids all in school, then go back to my private practice as one of the best child psychologists in Dallas, Texas. REALITY check - I graduated from high school, went to college, got married, became a teacher, and I don't have any kids. In the plan, I should have had at least one kid by the time I was 23 years old. Instead, I am now 30 and I have lost the first 3 out of 5 kids I hoped to have one day. I have a condition called MTHFR. I have had 3 early miscarriages because of this. It have been a trying two years. God has been working on me. I have learned that He could careless about my plans. It has been a hard lesson to learn, but hey, I am a work in progress.


My goal is to use this blog to express the emotions I have regularly instead of complaining to my wonderful husband over and over again. Maybe along the way someone else decides to read it and it helps them too.

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”