All Cooked! 37 Weeks!!

Wow! Looking back, time has really flown by! I am 37 weeks today and it is almost time to meet my son. I can't even begin to describe what that feels like. Overall, I haven't had a bad pregnancy. The shots are not fun at all and they are getting tougher. BUT, I am almost done with them. I just have to hang in there for a little while longer.

                                                      My bruises :/


I started having some tingling in my lower abdomen tonight. When Greg Googled the feelings I described for him, we found out it means Matthew is moving down into the birth canal.

CRAZY! EXCITING! AMAZING!

We have been to several classes that our hospital provides and we have enjoyed them and learned a lot. I don't understand why more people don't attend these FREE classes. They serve amazing food and all the information is very helpful. Here are some photo's and a video link from our car seat safety class.

 This video is sad, but more people need to know that rear facing, as long as possible, is the safest position for your baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8gU9zzCGA8

I can't wait for this next chapter of our lives to begin!



Trusting in God / bed rest

I had a doctor appointment yesterday and just went in hoping that Matthew had moved down into position and that we could get some cute sonogram pics of his little face. Although he has moved into a better position, and we did see his cute little face I also came out with a doctors note that said BED REST!! 


So many different emotions came over me. Last week my amniotic levels were great! So I was in shock to hear they were too low just one week later. I am trusting in God and know that Matthew is doing fine so I will do what my doctor said, "stay in bed until my appointment on Monday and drink water like a fish." When I go in Monday one of two things will happen: 1. everything will be OK and I will return to work after my week off for Thanksgiving or 2. I will be admitted into the hospital right away. He told us to pack and bring my bag just in case.


Is God's timing perfect or what? Sure I am missing my baby shower at school today (Greg and Mom will attend in my absence) and my kids field trip tomorrow BUT I get two more days of rest added to my week off and I can take care of myself and my son.  

Here are two pictures I got yesterday of my son, Matthew, with his little hand in front of his face. I even saw him suck on his finger, and rub his little eye. <3

33 weeks and 3 days!

Keep us in your prayers!!

Heaven is Real

This book is amazing! I cried a few times and read it faster than any other book I have ever read. I couldn't put it down. My friend Justine told me I needed to read it because there was a link to my life in the book. I knew what she meant as soon as I read the page. The little boy, Colton, in the story met his unborn sister in Heaven. He didn't even know he had another sister other than his earthly sister who lived with him at home. He didn't know his mom had a miscarriage. He was too young to understand, so she never told him. Yet in still, he met her in Heaven. She told him she didn't have a name, because their parents never named her. But she knew and was waiting to meet her mom and dad in Heaven.

Do you know what that means? I have 3 little children waiting in Heaven to meet me. One probably doesn't have a name, and the other two are probably named Gavin and Payton. Possibly two Payton's because I have been stuck on that name for so long. :)

I can't wait to meet them!!

Baby Shower 11-5-11

Yesterday was a dream come true. My mother and 3 of my closest friends threw me a baby shower. I was able to experience something that at one point I thought might never happen. It was an amazing feeling to see so many people who have been along with me on this journey to have a child. What a blessing they have all been in different ways.

We had brunch foods, mimosas, some music, hugs, laughs and tears of joy! Baby Matthew received the most amazing gifts. I am so grateful and blessed!

Some of my fav's :)

We didn't play any cheesy baby shower games but we did do a guess the due date pot and set up a spot to write prayers, well wishes, and send love to my son and I. We also set up two computers in his room with a sign so that guests could send our precious son an email.

Matthew's nursery was a hit with everyone! I gave credit where credit was due and told everyone how hard my husband worked and how perfect he made the nursery for me and my son. MY SON!! Sorry, it still hasn't gotten old. :)

Special thanks to my mom for ALL she did for the shower, and has done my whole life. The shower would not have been possible without her. My sanity and strength would not be where it is without her either. I love you, mom! <3

Also, I would like to thank Monica for getting the cake, and helping with the shopping for the shower. Justine for doing the invites, and for coming into town for my very special day. I would also like to thank Velvette for the amazing diaper cake and decorations. My friends are so talented!

Last but not least, Diana for coming into town and sharing so much with me. She is giving me things that her son was not able to use while God took care of him in the hospital. I don't know what I would do without friends like her who are giving and who have supported me through this journey.

God is good!



3rd trimester "stuff"

Little Matthew is starting move around a lot. I love it!! :) He worries me on days he's not as active. When that happens I call Greg over to talk to him. He almost always responds to his Daddy's voice and will give a kick or two. Listening to Greg talk to Matthew is the highlight of my life right now. It's really cute.

I have been put on two shots a day now.

But lets move on to more positive things shall we?

I am very happy that I finally found bedding for Matthews room that I LOVE!! Greg will be painting this week since his new job engineering doesn't start until October. I love having him home to take care of things right now. The picture below is the bedding, but not his actual room. I will post pictures of that when it all comes together.

Blessed to be a blessing

I am 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Wow! 24 weeks! What a blessing. In my past three pregnancies I never made it past 6 weeks. Everyday is a gift! I am thankful everyday for this life growing inside of me. I have a new level of faith that I would not have had without the trails I went through. God knows what he is doing. I hated it at the time, and didn't understand it, but I know His purpose supersedes my desires .

My focus is on my son now. But that is not my only focus. I can't help but want to help others who are going through what I went through. I have a friend who I pray for daily. I told her I often smile before, during, or after my prayers because my faith in God and in her situation is so strong. I know she will one day feel what I currently feel being pregnant. Her and her husband are so deserving of a child. I pray for their children by name (the names they have chosen) and can't wait until they are here with us.

Maybe I went though all that I went through, not only for myself, but to help others.

Blessed to be a blessing.

What's in a name?

   For the past four, four and half years I have been picking boys and girls names for my kids. OK, OK I'll be honest, I have been picking kids names my whole life! What can I say, I love kids! I have had the same girl name picked out for the past 5 years. Peyton. In the last two years we made the name final, "Peyton Justine Foster" aka "PJ". If and when I have another baby, and it's a girl, it's pretty much done.
  
   Boy names were a little harder for us to agree on. Greg doesn't like boy names that start with E....random, I know! Neither one of us really wanted him to be a junior. So the only name we had agree on in the past 5 years was Gavin. Once it became real, that we had to pick a boy name in case our baby was a boy we really focused on the meaning of boy names. I found the name Matthew which meant "Gift of God" Greg liked it, but I could tell that he wasn't 100% sold on it. So we kept looking but never really found anything.

                                     ** Our testimony to God's faithfulness **

                                             By: Greg Foster - The Daddy!

About five or six years ago when we set out to start our family, my mom bought us a picture of two hands holding a baby. We have had this picture hanging in our various homes throughout the years. During these years we have had 3 miscarriages in our attempt to have a child. About a year ago we found out that Nikia had a blood clotting issue and she needed to take shots prior to conceiving and during the pregnancy. In April we found out we were pregnant for the 4th time, and have now made it to almost 20 weeks. During this time we were picking out girl and boy names. We decided upon Peyton if it was a girl and Matthew if it was a boy. Matthew means "Gift of God". One day Nikia looked at the picture my mom gave us many years ago and noticed there was a tiny engraved placard. The placard read "Gift from God". When we saw it we had chills and a reverence for God's planning that we didn't have before. I knew then we were having a boy and that we had chosen the perfect name. We found out on August 11th, yep it is a boy!!! God is amazing!

We are naming our baby boy Matthew James Foster
Matthew - Gift of God
James - after my father

  

I have a son!!

I have a son! I love the way that sounds! On Thursday, August 11, 2011, I went to the doctor for a sonogram. I had my husbands hand in mine, my moms hand on my arm, and my mother-n-law by my side. The nurse first showed us all his main organs. She told me that my babies head, brain, heart, spine, and stomach all looked PERFECT. Perfect was music to my ears. My baby had no health concerns. That is all that mattered to me. Remember, I take 7 pills, and one shot a day to make sure my baby gets what he needs. When I heard everything looks great, it made all the pills and shots worth it!!

These are all the things I take everyday to make sure my little man gets what he needs!

After the nurse told us that our baby looked perfect, she asked us if we wanted to know the sex of our baby. We all said "YES!!!" She said, "OK, well what does everyone think?" All the women in the room said, "GIRL!" Daddy didn't say anything, his eyes were just glued to the screen! :) I told the nurse, "Daddy thinks its a boy." She then responded with, "Daddy is right, ITS A BOY!" It was the best sentence I have ever heard. I think I immediately became a Mommy in that moment. I started to cry and laugh all at the same time. It was a feeling like I had never felt before.

She proceeded to tell us that she knew he was a boy right away. She said it was the first thing he wanted us to see. My poor baby, I have been referring to him as a girl for almost 20 weeks!! Guess he said, "I'll show you mom!"

I am so in love already <3

Just Another Story

The past 4 years have been very difficult for my husband and I. Although I was more capable of expressing it and less capable of staying positive and keeping the faith like he did. I look at where we are today, 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and I feel like I'm "just another story".

When I was going through my struggle of not being able to carry a baby to full term I had a lot of support. All of which was very appreciated. However, I can honestly say I did get tired of hearing the same story over and over again. I kept hearing "so and so had a hard time getting pregnant, and then they stopped trying and it just happened."

Well my situation was very different. I couldn't just ":let it happen." I have to start shots and pills on a certain day or my baby doesn't have a chance to make it. Who knew however, back in April, when we "didn't try" to get pregnant that we would. God told me just to do the shots in case, so I did.

When people ask how it all worked out, I almost hate telling my story because I know someone I am telling my story to feels like I felt back then. All I can do is pray for others, and hopefully provide a support that will somehow let them know I care.

Today I am praying for a very special friend who is going through this right now, and I am praying for my 3 little souls in heaven that I will meet one day.

So excited!!

We have been looking around for baby cribs recently just to get an idea of what we wanted. We looked at round cribs, regular cribs, and cribs of all colors. Yesterday we came across a canopy crib. We discussed how much we both liked it. We talked it over with my mom and today she starting calling around to see if she could find this canopy crib.

It was discontinued everywhere!!!

My first thought was, "OK, I guess this means the thousand dollar sleigh crib I want is the one for us after all." lol (I wish) However, when we got home Greg called a couple more places and somewhere in  California God had this crib, the last one of its kind, waiting for baby Foster. :)

We were not planning on spending the money at this time, nor were we planning on buying a crib just yet, but when timing is right, it's right. When you know God is by your side and it's "your time" you go with it. So we did.

Our first big purchase for baby Foster should be here before the end of the week!!

The crib - http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/dmart2_2163_536632034

Where to begin. . .

It has been so long since my last blog, I don't even know where to begin. Everything has changed since my last blog. I don't really know what else to do other than to come out and say it. I am pregnant! Not a little bit pregnancy, but 1 week away from completing my first trimester! It is so unreal.

As you know with MTHFR I can't just go with the flow, and not try, or not worry about it. Shots have to be started on a certain day to even give myself a chance.The month of April came, and went. I never thought anything about becoming pregnant, being pregnant, or even wanting to be pregnant. On a Friday, I got sick at school. It progressively got worse throughout the day. It was weird. I thought it was allergies at first, but it wasn't. I came home and got in the bed for the rest of the night. The next morning, I took a test and it was positive. Great news! The even greater news was I started the shots two weeks before "just in case." God told me just to do them, so I did. But I NEVER thought I was pregnant.

Since then I have had 4 blood tests, two sonograms, and a lot of nausea. I don't like that feeling, but I love that am feeling something. The baby's heart beat is very strong and very fast (that means its a girl if you believe in old wives tails). However, we really don't care what our little blessing is, as long as she/he is healthy and happy. We will know the sex of our baby in 8 weeks!

I can't thank those of you who have been through our losses with us, prayed for us, constantly believed and supported us through this whole thing. I will continue to keep you posted about our very special miracle.

By the way, we set up an email address for the baby and have already sent a few emails. We plan on reading them to him/her at night before bedtime when she is old enough to understand them, and then giving her the password and information when she/he graduates so they will always know how much we love and support them, and always have. If you would also like to send an email, now or at anytime please do. The more the merrier!

fosterbaby13@gmail.com

Baby Foster at 7 weeks and 3 days!                   

Thanks again for all your support.

Grey's Anatomy

Meredith: "Yesterday at that baby shower, I was jealous of Callie because she got pregnant without trying. And we tried. I get shots, I take my temperature, I put my legs in the air, and nothing. The universe says screw you Meredith and gives Callie a kid...."

Nikia: "At the hospital, at the shower, at school, at the store, (anywhere) I was jealous of (insert one of many names here) because she got pregnant without trying. And we try, we try over, and over, and over. I take 5 to 7 pills a day, I give myself shots in the stomach, I take my temperature, I count days, I put my legs in the air, and nothing...."

Why didn't anybody warn me about last weeks episode of Grey's? I was two episodes behind so I watched them both, on the couch, Saturday afternoon. E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L!! I have felt exactly like Meredith 'felt' standing in that elevator with her husband. (Sorry to anyone who doesn't watch the show and doesn't understand what I am talking about.) I felt sad, and yet happy at the same time. I know it is just a TV show, but I was happy that they described the feelings so dead on, and then I was sad that I am the one who has experienced those feelings first hand. Over the past 5 years I have felt ecstatic, happy, sad, depressed, jealous, angry, hurt, maternal, hopeful, ashamed, betrayed, confused, envious, frightened, and overwhelmed. It has been a very trying season in my life. 

I went to a woman's conference last weekend with my sister-in-law and my mom. It was about women who rush through seasons in their life without learning the lessons, and gaining the tools that God would have them learn during that season. It did help me to appreciate that I can do pretty much what I want, when I want right now. I was able to make a list of things I have learned in this season. But the funny thing is, I feel like I have learned all I need to learn. lol! God is obviously keeping me from having a child of my own for a reason. I understand that. However, that is SCARY! I understand that I should have faith, and trust in Him, but some of the possible reasons He could be keeping us from having a child are scary.  Maybe we are not going to be together forever. Maybe something is going to happen to one of us.

I guess the slew of emotions I felt after watching Grey's had an effect on me. I woke up this morning at 4am from a really bad dream. In the dream my husband was leaving me because I was unable to have a child. I woke up and tried not to cry but I couldn't hold the tears back. I went into our closet, got on my knees and just cried. I tried to pray but there were no words....nothing would come out. I cried almost uncontrollably. I tried to gain my composure because I didn't want to wake Greg up. It took about 35 minutes. The crying finally stopped and I was able to get back in bed just before 5am. 

Some days I don't know what to feel or think. Just when I feel 'ok' with my situation, and I let go, Something happens that puts my emotional roller coaster back on it's track. 

Text Message

This will be a short and sweet post. However, I think it is very important to share.

I received a text message today that said this....

"Hey you were in my dream today...I was telling u not to give up on God and we just hugged and cried together...I remember touching your stomach and it's like we both felt the spirit moving...it ended with us smiling and happy...just want to encourage your guys ...I'm always praying for y'all...love ya!!"

I almost cried. The text came totally unexpected, from someone totally unexpected. I think its awesome how people around you are thinking of you, and praying for you even when you can't pray for yourself. Friends and family are angels who keep us going when we feel like we can't go anymore.

This text message has touched me on so many levels. She will never know how her simple text message changed not only my day, but my LIFE.

I love you, Dekeatra!

Thanks again!

"The love of a family is life's greatest blessing"



Now What?

It didn't work. We are not pregnant. Even though it seemed as if God himself had his hand on every little step I took last month. It's like no matter what, there is always something preventing this from happening. I can't even begin to find words to describe what it felt like when I got my cycle. It had already been a pretty bad week all around, this was just the icing on the cake.

I tried explaining to my husband that each time this happens, each time I get pregnant and have nothing to show for it, or each time I think we are pregnant and we are not, I lose a little piece of my heart.

I'm really just in a bad place right now. I feel like I am living this life that is not my own. Although very blessed in so many area's, it almost feels like there was a mistake in the plan. Like this life would be fine for someone else, just not me. I never imagined that this would be my struggle. I know we all struggle with things in life, I just thought my struggle would be something else, something small, and something that could be fixed easily.

I don't really know what else to do. I am about ready to give up. I know that sounds sad, and like I'm quiting but really, it is so hard. They say prayer works, but does it really? I called upon everyone I knew to pray for us, and nothing. What is the point of praying if God already has his plan set?

What is the point?

Let's try again

On Wednesday, February 16, 2011 I had a doctors appointment to have a sonogram done to see if my cyst was gone. I wasn't surprised when the nurse said indeed the cyst was gone. I was surprised however when she said, "You are about to ovulate any minute." I didn't know you could tell something like that from a sonogram but boy was I excited to hear it. It was really good news. I felt like a breath of fresh air filled the room. She sent mom and I back out to the lobby and told us to wait for my doctor to call us back in.

When my doctor entered the room he did what he always does. He greeted mom and I with a handshake, hello, and sincere smile. He too was excited about what the sonogram showed. He said the sonogram showed an egg ready to drop from my right ovary. He then proceeded to say that he would like to give me an HCG shot. He explained that this would produce another egg doubling our chances. He asked my 3 times if I would be OK with "TWINS".....ugh, let me think......YES!!  I got the HCG shot which guaranteed I would produce another egg in about 30 hours. So hubby and I had specific directions on when we should "do our homework" :) Friday, when we did our "homework" we found out there was a full moon. We also found out that if we did indeed conceive that night, our baby would be due on 11-11-11 - WOW! I could only imagine.

The Doctor also wanted to cover the possibility of my levels dropping like they have done in the past so he put me on prometruim with my lovenox shots. I started pills and shots in the stomach yesterday. (2-21-11) Best part of that is the shots I use to have to pay hundreds of dollars for were now only 10 dollars!!! God must have his hand in this, right? The timing has never worked out like this, along with the price of all the medicine. There was no stress involved. Or should I say, no ADDED stress involved. You can't help but to wonder and worry a little bit, but overall I feel like I have done a pretty good job of keeping myself positive and calm.

In 12 or so days we will know if it all worked out or not. Of course I can't help but think about TWINS, but God knows that I will be perfectly happy and grateful with just one happy healthy baby. I contacted a few of you to pray for us during our 3 days of "homework" but our fight is not over yet. Please if you are reading this, pray for us. Not just now but anytime we might cross your mind. Even if there is a transformation taking place, right now, in my tummy, as I type this, it will not be the end of our battle.

Here's to hoping that it is actually our time.

PS I found out another friend is prego and she is due in September. I was so excited when she told me because that would make our kiddos two month apart..... PLAY DATES :)

Depression

I thought long and hard about sharing this post. I wondered what people would think of me once they read it. Would they look at me differently? Would they understand? In the end, I decided to share what happened to me about half a year ago, after the third miscarriage, and after I loss my father.

I had really started feeling depressed. Although initially I didn't really know I was depressed. I remember watching TV one day and seeing one of those commercials about a medicine for depression and telling myself, "I don't feel that bad." Although I did have some of the symptoms. I thought because I had miscarried and my father had passed away it was just typical to feel the way I felt. (maybe it was) However, the feeling continued to get worse and worse. I didn't really tell anyone although I think my husband could tell that I was sad but he probably didn't think anything of it because I had reason to be.

One night it hit really hard. I don't remember the exact date, but I remember exactly how it felt. I was feeling extremely sad one night. I felt kinda achy and like I needed to cry. I decided to just go take a hot shower. This is where I do a lot of my crying. It's nice because my husband can't tell that I am crying and I can just let it all out. While in the shower I lost it. There really isn't another way to describe it. I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and then IT happened.

Like I said, before getting into the shower I had started to feel kinda achy. The way you feel when your coming down with the flu. Then I started having bad thoughts. Thoughts about hurting myself. Then the pain changed. It went from feeling like the flu to feeling like a heavy weight was placed on my back. It was so overwhelming and I didn't know what to do. I started crying even harder and the pain changed again. Now it felt as if someone, or something was on my back with arms around my neck trying to pull me down. Sound crazy? Well imagine how I felt. It was so scary that after a moment of paralysis I literally jumped out the shower, grabbed a towel, and called out to my husband. I don't think I gave him a chance to respond. I ran to him and was still crying and trying to explain to him how I felt. I think I said something like, "I feel something on me. I feel like someone is on me. Get it off, get it off." He hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying. After that didn't work he did the only other thing he knew to do. He prayed. I honestly don't remember what he said but I know it worked.

This is the second time in my life that I cried out and got an immediate response from God. Whatever had come over me that night was lifted after minutes of prayer. To this day, the bad thoughts and scary feelings have never returned. I still get sad, but not like I did that night.

I know it sounds weird but that is the only way I can really describe it. It literally felt like someone on me trying to take me down. Figuratively speaking depression was trying to take me down. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this, but I felt like I had to share because if anyone ever has felt this way, now they will know they are not alone.

I Can Only Imagine

Well, I think my cyst is gone. I went two weeks with out having a cycle! Yay! I am now on the new set of pills, Femara. I have not noticed any side effects. I was really worried because it was originally designed for Cancer patients. I assumed it was going to be really strong but its not.

I have had a few sad moments lately. I went over to my father-n-laws house for Super Bowl Sunday and it was hard being his only daughter-n-law with out a grand baby for him to hold. I was looking forward to being there and spending time with the Foster crew, especially the babies. But I never thought about how it was going to make me feel. It was kinda hard being there. My sister-n-laws are both young and very different. I saw how different their parenting styles were too. It is one of those things you wouldn't really notice when seeing them separately, but when you are all in the same room with both babies, it is very obvious. Not in a good or bad way, just simply an observation.

I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had my 'Payton' or my 'Matthew'. I want to name my son Matthew because it means gift from God and that is just what he will be. His middle name will be James, after my late father. We will call him 'Mattie' when he is little, or at least I will (Greg doesn't like that) but we can call him 'MJ' when he thinks he's too big to be called 'Mattie'. :)

Here's to hoping for a Payton and or a Matthew.

Tonight I sit and truly wonder what life would be like if I was a mom. I know what it feels like to hold and love on all my new nephews... It's amazing!! I just can't imagine what it feels like to have my own child. I love my nieces and my nephews a lot, and would do anything for them. But I dream of feeling what all other mothers feel. A LOVE unlike any other.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone 

Snow Day!

It looks absolutely beautiful outside, but it feels frightful! The winds are so strong, and loud. I LOVE it!

We went and got movies and snacks and now we are curled up on the couch enjoying the day. However, while in the store, I had this overwhelming urge to be a mommy. It felt really weird and I felt so many different emotions. This has not happened to me in a long time. I think it was seeing all the kids at the store, buying snacks, and hot chocolate to go home and relax with their parents. I was wishing I had a 'baby Jach' or a 'big boy Luke' to cuddle with on this cold day. I asked my hubby if I could cuddle him on the couch but he just laughed and me and said, "you can't hold me like that!" lol I have settled for cuddling with my dogs.  They are good at cuddling. :)

I have been doing really well lately. I started coaching girls basketball again and school has been really busy with middle of the year testing so I have not had a whole lot of time to think about the things that have made me feel so empty. I did however come to a realization a couple of days go that was odd. I used to picture my life with a child. Everything from being fat and pregnant, to registering at Baby's R Us with Greg. I even envisioned myself in the hospital and tried to imagine the pain I might be in followed by how amazing it would feel to hold my baby in my arms. Now, I can't see those things. I can say them and type them but I can no longer 'feel' them. It's sad, but maybe it is progress at the same time? I don't know it also sounds like a loss of hope. I still believe it will happen, but my focus and relentless desire has just changed a bit.

Not really sure what all these new emotions and feelings mean but as time goes on....we shall see.

Growth & Progress / Shout outs!

Over the course of the last couple of days, I learned that 4 people I know are preggo. My first thought was, as it always is, "Yay! That is awesome news for you! Congrats" But here is the GREAT news, my second thought which is normally, "why not me" or "why is it so easy for them" never reared its ugly head. I didn't even compare their current situation to that of my own nor did I figure the top 3 reasons why I am more ready or capable than this person to have a child. This is a HUGE step in the right direction for me. Maybe it seems small, or even crazy that I think those things in the first place, but its all very real for me. I am proud of myself for the growth that has taken place.

I want to thank a few people who have helped make this growth possible!

God - He is very patient with me. :)

My husband, Greg -He gets angry with me, (not at me, but he gets angry when I am angry) :) he holds me when I cry, he encourages me, and he pushes to be a better me. I would not have been able to make it through the past three years of trials without him. He is dealing with this time in our lives in his own way, but he ALWAYS puts my feelings first. He takes care of me, and my feelings about the whole situation before even given a thought to his own. I love him more than he will ever know.

My mom, Carolyn - She wants a baby for me, just as bad as I do. She is there at all my doctors appointments. She researches medicine, doctors, and natural ways to help us through this process. She keeps her faith, prays, and never gives up hope on her future grandchild.

My BBFF, Jax - She listens to me tell her the same story over and over again and she never yells at me or hangs up on me. She continues to encourage me with a 'cliche' while making me smile. She is still trying to convince me that yoga will fix all my problems.....Although I am not yet convinced, I did take her advice on working out again and I feel much better. She also convinced me to run a 5K with her in May, in Corpus Christi - YIKES! What have I gotten myself into??

A fellow blogger, Andrea - We didn't even know each other before Facebook, but we have created a friendship and a bond that not too many others would understand. I can't wait to meet her in person.

My husbands best friend, Cedric - I go to 'Cedie' for questions about EVERYTHING!! It's so funny how no matter what the topic is, the questions I have always get answered. He helped my husband and I through a rough patch in our marriage, and I just know he is here living with us now for a very God driven, purposeful reason. He is a wealth of knowledge and intelligence and a true blessing for my family.

Kelsey, Sandy, Vanessa, & April - They are honest about not understanding my pain, but somehow ALWAYS put a smile on my face! They make me laugh, pray for me, send me an encouraging word or song, and I want them to know that I appreciate their love for me.

The Cheesecakes, MoniLo, Veltastic, and Jtini - They don't say much, but they are always there. They don't tell me what I want to hear, they are very real with me. They are there when I hurt, and they get angry when I am angry. I know they will be some of the BIGGEST supporters when I do have a baby.

Last but NOT least - my new 'bestie' Keisha - I have only known her for about 6 months, but I have never had someone care about me on a day to day basis, get more angry about my situation than me, and try to fix things. She always wants to 'give me an answer' she always wants to make me feel better and she ALWAYS makes me laugh. She is a very strong person, and has my back. She reminds me that it is OK to scream and to get mad. She has also taught me that if all else fails, have a drink to calm my nerves. <3

Today I thank God for those He so strategically placed around me to get me through this season in my life.

THANK YOU ALL!!! I LOVE YOU!

Friends

I recently shared my blog with several people. I appreciate the fact that they took time away from work, school, family, and facebook to read my blog. I received several different text messages, emails, and comments. Some encouraging and others not so much. However, I learned something from all of them. I continue to be lifted up in prayer on a daily basis by people who have made a difference in my life and I hope that I have made a difference in theirs.

I am still reading the book 'Plan B' (I know Im slow) and it encourages me daily to keep the faith and know that He is with me. I don't want my blog to sound heartsick all the time but I do want to be real about my struggles and day to day thoughts. One day, when I am writing about my children and posting pictures about how happy I am, I want another woman reading it to know that I once felt the pain she is currently feeling. I want her to know that I understand her despair. I want her to gain hope from my story the same I am currently searching for and 'Holding on to Hope.'

Oh joy! Ovarian Cysts!!!!!

On Wednesday I went to see my doctor for a sonogram......not the happy kind of sonogram like when you hear a baby's heart beat but the kind they check and see why you are having a menstrual cycle every two weeks. The nurse, lady, sonogram person says, "All looks well on the right side." (I have heard this several times the past three years during several sonograms so I am laying there thinking, "Yes I know, its all normal in there, no problems..") Then she moves over to the left side and says, "Oh, you have an ovarian cyst on your left ovary." In my head I said, "Oh, ok great!" Out loud I said, "what does that mean." She proceeds to make it sound like no big deal, not a problem, very common. This same woman told me that MTHFR is very common too. I still HATE it!!

She is very good at her job, I know she and other doctors and nurses see this stuff everyday but when you are the person going through it, you don't give a crap about how "common" it is!

So the cyst should go away in about 6 weeks. Currently sounds like a lifetime away for me. If it doesn't, then I take birth control for two to three months. If that doesn't work.....well then we will cross that bridge when we get to it one step at a time.

In the meantime, I will start taking a pill 3 days after my next cycle starts that will trick my brain into thinking my ovaries are not working and it will make them work harder. Increasing our chances. Could even up our chances for having twins. Wouldn't that be fabulous!!! I could make up for some lost time and have two babies for the cost of 5! :) (the 3 I have lost, and the price it would be to have two at the same time) I truly would LOVE to have twins, but really all I want now is one healthy happy baby.

On another note, we welcomed Skaius Jermaine Foster, and Jach Martin Glass in the family on Thursday and Friday this past week. Both as cute as can be and healthy babies! Can't wait to watch them grow up! I might have to ask both moms to guest write on my blog to tell their completely opposite birth stories. One in labor 6 hours and having a C-section and the other in labor for an hour and a half, pushed twice and the baby came right out. Both were first time mommies! Wow!

Marcus and baby Skai

Velvette and Jach! Beautiful!

2011

Happy New Year!!

I was happy not to have a child for the first time in a long time on NYE. We had so much fun!! From what I remember. :)

I did however get to spend time with Isaiah Foster. Daniel and Ashley had their healthy baby boy and we spent time with him this past week. He is too cute!

Here's to hoping that 2011 is our year to bring a child into the world.

Next two weeks we will be welcoming two more babies into the family. Skai Foster - Gregs other brother Macus and his wife Brandi are having a son and Velvette and Zach - some of our best friends will have baby Jach Glass sometime the next few days. Happy for them all but sad that I have not yet been able to experience what they are all experiencing right now.